Oftentimes, the inspiration for our Monday Match-Ups comes from popular debates in pop culture. Things like Kirk vs. Picard, or Superman vs. Batman, or Kramer vs. Kramer (the jury’s still out on that one). Other times, it’s just the first thing that comes to mind. This week we’re fully embracing the more off-the-cuff side of our creativity by turning to the first thing that usually comes to our minds: pizza. We here at Pop Modern love pizza, but we can’t help but imagine a world where it could be even better. A world where our pizza slices itself, where the toppings are ever-flowing, where the steaming pies are beamed down from mind-bending spaceships. That’s why, this week, we dare to ask the question…Which ship would better deliver pizza, Serenity, or The Millennium Falcon?
The Millennium Falcon: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennium_Falcon
Allen: “Yes, let’s see here. One cheese and one pepperoni for…I.C. Weiner? Aw, crud!” -Phillip J. Fry, December 31, 1999
Fast food delivery is a relatively thankless job. The delivery man is essentially just a conduit for bringing that loveliest of foods to the front door of the hungry customer. And as the above quote clearly shows, it’s often on the delivery person to differentiate fake names from real ones. Now, if anyone knows about fake names, it’s Serenity‘s captain, Mal Reynolds. In a world where American Western and sci-fi tropes are merged in a way only Joss Whedon could, pizza is a commodity. I imagine Serenity receiving the call after a long day of work:
“Two cheese, one Hawaiian. Planet Menai, eighth sector. Ask for…Markos.” The pizza is delivered in the nick of time after Wash evades a crew of space pirates hungry for pineapple. Mal kicks the patron’s door open, slides the pizza next to the carpet, and the credits are wired to his account.
In a land far, far away, people get hungry. Same scenario, but the pizza is being delivered to Felucia, and there’s Midichlorians instead of cheese or something. Han narrowly navigates a dangerous asteroid field, and he finds a clearing on the south side of Felucia’s jungle surface. He bows to the lovely Twi’lek as he hands her the dinner, and… Chewy got the order wrong. She said Hawaiian, not “Raorrlrlrlrlrllrlrlrlrl”, you silly goof! She’ll still pay for…whatever toppings she got, but it’s not the same. The Serenity crew is just more organized, and Chewy’s so mad that he’s itching to rip the arms off some droids and drown his sorrows in pizza.
James: In the battle of delivery, let’s first look at each ship. Though Serenity is fast as a ship goes, it is nowhere near the hyperdrive capability of the Millennium Falcon. The delivery would be much faster then, leaving the pizzas nice and hot. However, there is the matter of storage. Serenity easily has an edge on this one. Not only is there an open area for storage, but there is also a smuggling compartment. This adds to the pizza that can be delivered in one run. Both ships require similar maintenance, but I am going to give Serenity an edge for the brilliant mechanic Kaylee, whose full time job is to make sure that Serenity is at her finest condition. Unlike the undermanned Falcon, Serenity is functioning as fully as it can almost all the time. Therefore Serenity wins the ship battle.
Next let’s take a look at the market. While the Star Wars universe is filled with races with various forms of sustenance, Serenity’s market is fairly uniform, consisting solely of human beings. However, the terraforming on the surface of the planet might obviate the need for outside delivery, and limits the number of habitable planets. The Star Wars universe is nowhere near as consistent, so even though the inhabitants are less consistent, the humans that are there are more diffuse and more likely to need outside food. Let’s be realistic. On Hoth, the Rebels would be ordering the greasiest pizza they could find. Nobody wants to cook when it’s cold out. I’m going to have to give the market share to Star Wars on this one.
Finally, let’s take a look at the crew. On the one hand, the Millennium Falcon is crewed with smugglers who double as mechanics who know their ship. Solo has managed to make the Kessel Run in fewer than 12 parsecs, impressively low mileage, while Chewie would be great for enforcing payment. Still, the Serenity has a much more impressive crew. While Shepherd Book and River would be useless on most jaunts, the military experience of the crew combined with their experience as smugglers would serve them well, between Jayne’s enforcement of payment and Mal’s smuggler know-how. As mentioned previously, the crew of the Falcon is tied up with piloting the ship, so their attention cannot go towards fixing the ship mid-flight, a flaw that Serenity does not share. With a medic to heal pizza burns, and a companion to… do something unspecified in the show, the crew comparison favors Serenity, making it the overall winner.
Magellan: My crew-mates here on the USS Pop Modern have made some compelling arguments thus far, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to embody the rebel spirit of both the smugglers on the Falcon and the Brown Shirts on Serenity by offering the dissenting opinion. Sure, Malcolm Reynolds and his crew are more diversified and marketable, but in the end you’d be hiring a bunch of pretty boys and some extra dead weight for a job that can be done by one guy and his pet dog. And hey, I’m not saying that the Serenity crew is a bunch of pansies, and by no means am I trying to disparage Chewbacca with that dog comment. But, when it comes right down to it, this is a numbers game. Since when has pizza delivery been about a pretty, well-oiled machine? What happened to the glory days of ordering two meat lovers’ in the dead of night and having it brought to you by a high-as-balls, walking piece of facial hair? Han and Chewy are just more in line with what you’d expect from that employment sector. And that’s not to mention that if you ordered from the Serenity you’d probably have to hand out tips like Halloween candy. Han Solo is Wash and Mal rolled into one, and he’s running an essentially equivalent smuggling operation with about a fourth of the crew. That means less pit-stops, less detours, less overhead, and all of those savings go right back into the consumer’s pocket. Just slap a hairnet on the Wookiee and you’ve got a winning proposition.
Serenity wins 2-1
We all knew it was going to be a split vote. C’mon, when was the last time you were part of a unanimous, pizza-related decision, beyond the obvious “Hey let’s just order a pizza.”? Really, that’s the beauty of pizza; it’s one of the layman’s true remaining art forms, a culinary canvas upon which he paints his hopes, his dreams, and his pepperoni. If this debate has made you salivate, go ahead and drool all over our poll, as well as our comments section. Just, try not to ruin your keyboard. You’ll need that later for pizza ordering and what-not.