The boys at Pop Modern are back, rocking another Monday Match-Up, this time for all the girls out there. You see, we’re equal opportunists, we’re chivalrous, and we’re making it our duty to help womankind in the small way we can: by cleaning up the Google results for “Peach vs. Zelda” just a modicum. Yeah, we know, we’re heroes. No need to thank us, the half smile on your face is enough. Besides, we’re not going to pretend like the ladies out there need us to fight their battles for them, that’d be silly. That’s why we’ve got two Nintendo icons, so often sequestered and pushed to the side in their own games, taking the stage this week to let everyone know that they aren’t to be trifled with. So what’s the competition? Something heroic no doubt. Something daring. Something swashbuckling. Something adventurous. That’s why we’d like to ask you all this week…Who would win in a karaoke contest, Peach or Zelda?
Allen: It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world picking an activity for these two lovely ladies of gaming. I feel like a rockin’ karaoke contest manages to stray away from stereotypes while still showcasing the talents of the contestants. Peach would probably be coming to Mushroom Kingdom’s hottest karaoke bar with a crew of Toads to cheer her on during the chorus of “Somebody To Love”. As the drinks start flowing and the earlybirds start filing out, a man named Sheik rolls in to the bar all by…himself? Herself? He stays in the audience, enjoying the show, chatting up the bartender. Right as it seems like the night is slowing down, he steps on stage, rips off the costume, and Princess Zelda begins into the smooth intro of “Don’t Stop Believing”. The crowd goes wild, Toads literally throwing their vests on stage. Peach has been defeated by this mysterious women in a karaoke battle, and she continues to rub it in with an ocarina solo during “Black Velvet”. Although she has won, it wouldn’t be very princess-like to be such a sore winner, so Zelda and Peach end the night with a teary duet of “I Need A Hero”. People still talk about that night, the night where two princesses took the stage, and the shy Hylian lady came out the winner.
James: Zelda has owned an ocarina in the past, and plays the harp. That will certainly help with her pitch and her rhythm. But what of Princess Peach? Whenever she is captured by Bowser, she is taken away from her people and left to sit in World 8-4 until Mario can come along. With all that free time, sitting in a castle with only a few books on Goomba Horticulture or the ornithology of Paratroopas, she would be left with free time to sing. Zelda still has the ability to interact with other people, so her princessly duties would have to go first. So even though Zelda is by far the superior musician, it seems apparent to me that the winner of this karaoke competition is Princess Peach. Then again, I am not entirely sure that karaoke can be a competition, but then again, neither character can really speak, so who am I to judge?
Magellan: Finally, a little girl power in these Monday Match-Ups! Sure, the contest could have been a bit more empowering, like a sword-fight or a presidential debate or something, but at least we’re not turning these oft-distressed damsels into a couple of Cooking Mamas. Anyway, let’s get to the meat of this question, and talk about what it takes to be good at a karaoke contest. You’ve got to have pipes, of course, but karaoke is also about being comfortable in your own skin and being able to perform. Zelda’s been shown to have some vocal talent (I believe she sang a song in Skyward Sword) and a penchant for musicianship, but the sort of music you see in a Legend of Zelda game isn’t going to translate well to the karaoke stage. Besides, she’s a fairly reserved, dignified princess, and I don’t know if she’d be able to let loose the way she’d need to in order to really blow people away. Peach, on the other hand, has shown time and time again that she’s willing to step up to the plate, get her hands dirty, and compete with the best of them whenever a competition demands. Peach also strikes me as much less socially inhibited, as she’s been to her fair share of Mario’s parties (which, as we all know, can get pretty wild). I don’t know about you, but it’s much easier for me to picture Peach throwing her head back and belting out “Rock You Like a Hurricane” while prancing around the stage, whereas Zelda would at best be able to muster a shy, reserved rendition of “I Love Rock And Roll.”
Peach wins 2-1
There you have it everybody, a completely polite and in no way subtly, unavoidably sexist competition. On a serious note, we hope you all forgive the rampant lampshading that’s been going on, it’s just hard to talk about any sort of “Video Game Princess vs. Video Game Princess” contest without snickering at least a little. Of course, if you object to us in any way, be it for our flawed logic or our undying, slovenly devotion to the global Patriarchy, make yourself heard in the comments below. That, or vote in our poll. You can do that, you know, it’s in the Constitution now.