It may be Labor Day, but that doesn’t mean we here at Pop Modern are going to stop putting in the grueling effort it takes to make a steady series of nonsense pop culture fluff pieces and editorials. It does mean, however, that all the heavy-hitters we usually have on tap for the Monday Match-Ups are taking the day off, so we had to do some searching to find two contenders who were willing to get up early and debase themselves for our enjoyment. We eventually hit sweet, sweet pay dirt, giving us the chance to ask…Who would better orchestrate a heist, Lucky the Leprechaun or The Trix Rabbit?
Allen: My favorite thing about this week’s contest is picturing the respective heists going tits-up. There are a few consistent tent poles to any heist: the motivation, the plan, the execution, and the back-up. For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to assume that they both employ the Monsters Cereals crew (Boo Berry, Count Chocula, and that rascal Franken Berry). The Berry brothers need to steal their family diamond from Captain Crunch, who plans to sell it on the chocolate milk seas for riches galore. So we have our motivation in both heists.
The Plan: Infiltrate the Captain’s boat and retrieve the Berry Diamond from his safe. Lucky is already bitter because he discovered that his rainbow charms were stowed in Mr. Crunch’s offshore account, so he is going for the more violent approach on Cap himself. The Trix Rabbit is actually bounding with excitement, and his plan is to air drop onto the ship, have Franken knock out a couple of the famous Crunch Guards while Boo possesses Captain Crunch, unlocks the safe, and retrieves the diamond.
Execution: Turns out Cap was prepared for an attack on his life. He draws his sugar-coated blade, and engages in a fight to the death with our Irish infiltrator. It’s an intense battle, with neither side taking the upper hand. They end up knocking over the safe, and Count Chocula transforms into his ChocoBat form, grabs the diamond, and flees the scene with all the treasure. Never trust a count. Mr. Rabbit successfully infiltrates the quarters, grabs the gem, and escapes. However, Boo loses control of Cap’n. He steers the boat into an iceberg of pure sugar off the coast of Kosovo, and the ship begins to sink.
Back-Up: As the captain is crunchitized to an early grave, the chase is on to catch Chocula. Many lives are lost, but the weight of the diamond is too much for him, and it falls into the ocean. Dig’Em the Frog finds the diamond several hundred years later. Trix Rabbit knows how to use his crew, and he orders Boo Berry to phase through the deck, grab the diamond, and meet him back at the old General Mill a few miles away. Trix packed a jetpack, that brilliant bunny. He flies away, and lives off of the heist money for the rest of his life. But he never forgot the hard work and sacrifice of the oldest Berry brother.
James: In the quest to steal the Sugar Crystal from General Mills’ personal vault, we have the Trix rabbit in one corner, and Lucky the Leprechaun in the other. Let’s choose to believe that the two of them will be allotted their typical assortment of tricks. The Rabbit will have his range of disguises, and Lucky will have his magically delicious Lucky Charms. The Trix Rabbit would use a range of clever disguises and his natural speed and jumping power to get to the Crystal easily enough. Lucky, true to his character, would need to run from the guards who keep chasing him for his Lucky Charms. Using the power of his magic Charms he could escape for long enough to get to the Crystal. So with both characters at their goal, who would walk away with the prize? Lucky will obviously be found, and his new-found Crystal taken away. But what of the Rabbit? Well, archive footage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9wrx8YHH8A, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNUJsJMWB5I) has shown us that the Trix Rabbit has indeed eaten Trix cereal on multiple occasions. Therefore, there is a small chance, but the Rabbit has a chance at getting away with his crime. Therefore, if either of them would win, it would be the Trix Rabbit.
Magellan: When it comes to pulling off a complex heist, you need a leader who can turn things around when it looks like everything is lost, who has a few tricks up his sleeve, who posesses the charisma and leadership ability to steer a wayward crew onto the path of success. Now, if I told you that you had to knock over a casino (we’ll say it’s a sugar casino or some nonsense, to keep with the cereal theme that my own partners in crime have stuck to so far), who would you rather have as your leader: a hapless rabbit who is continually thwarted by children, or a man with magic powers and a charming Irish accent? This isn’t rocket science, it’s just business. Lucky the Leprechaun not only has a better cereal and more documented success in his capers, he’s a straight-up magical creature, complete with supernatural abilities and (I can only assume) a pot of gold replete with the bounty of previous heists. Sure, the Trix Rabbit can talk, but that’s about all he’s good for, and when it comes time to dodge lasers and pick locks talking won’t do you much good. Plus, it’s not like Lucky’s name just popped out of nowhere. I can picture it now, George Clooney in the role, turning to the owner of the casino and winking “Why do you think they call me ‘Lucky?'” just as the ceiling blows open and he’s airlifted to safety. Can you picture him doing that in a bunny costume? Of course not, that would be silly.
The Trix Rabbit wins 2-1
Well, we might as well tell you now, this Match-Up was actually commissioned by General Mills as a way of testing the waters for their first foray into show business. See, they already have Soderbergh on to direct, and actors lined up around the block to audition, but they just weren’t quite sure which character would fit best in the lead. As of now we’re looking at Trix’s Eleven hitting theaters in about two years, but there’s still time to change that. If you have something to say about this cataclysmic shift in both the breakfast food and summer blockbuster landscapes, go ahead and vote in our poll and say something down in the comments section. Also, we recently set up a twitter account (twitter.com/PopModernBlog) so give that a follow so as to not miss out on future breaking nonsense.